Drowning Alone

I had a dream the other night.  I was in the ocean, alone, trying to swim.  I don't know how I got there but there I was by myself and afraid.  I tried to dive into the water but the water suddenly changed.  It became thick almost like jello!  I found myself in a bubble of air.  I couldn't get up to the surface any longer, I was just stuck there in that bubble struggling to break free so I could reach the surface to breath the fresh air.  I knew the air in that bubble wasn't going to last forever, I would eventually breath it all up.  Suddenly something broke through that bubble and pulled me out.  I think it was a hand, my memory fails me now but it left me feeling like I wasn't going to drown alone.  

Today for some reason that's how I feel.  Like I'm drowning.  And not just drowning but drowning alone with no one attempting to rescue me.  It's not that no one would attempt to rescue me if they saw me drowning.  They just don't know where I'm at or that I'm in this present state.  This is the danger of being a worrier.  You seem to only complain but it's not, it's wishing for help.  Wishing for someone to reach in and pull you up.  

I've been in this place before.  Years ago, at least 10 years ago, I was hit with a deep depression.  I was burnt out from never saying no to anything, trying to do it all and working hard to be a good Christian.  I never managed to feel good enough though.  Finally my body just quit.  I was emotionally, physically and spiritually broken.  My thyroid was malfunctioning so severely that my brain was unable to operate properly.  I became suicidal in my thoughts and angry.  I was mostly angry at God because He didn't seem to want to pull me out of my despair.  No one had any idea of how sick I was because I managed to keep it together on the surface.  The water looked great but under it I was drowning in a bubble all alone.  

Here's the truth though; I never was alone.  Read Psalm 139:7-12:

Where can I go from your Spirit? 

Where can I flee from your presence?
 If I go up to the heavens, you are there;
 if I make my bed in the depths, you are there.
 If I rise on the wings of the dawn,
 if I settle on the far side of the sea,
even there your hand will guide me, 

your right hand will hold me fast.
If I say, “Surely the darkness will hide me
 and the light become night around me,”
even the darkness will not be dark to you;
  the night will shine like the day,
  for darkness is as light to you. 

It is vital to know the truth as a worrier!  It's important for all Christians to know the truth but if you are one who is easily frustrated or troubles shake you when they come you must know God's truth or you are in danger of succumbing to despair unnecessarily!  In my depression there were a few things that saved me from falling too deep into the pit I felt I was in.  One, I knew if I told at least one person my chances of surviving increased greatly so I confided in a close friend that was a compassionate person (Thanks, Donna, if you ever read this!) and my husband.  Second, I fought for my children because I did not want them to believe that this was the easy way out.  I did not want to leave that legacy with them.  Third, I sought help.  I went to Grace Life International in Charlotte, NC where I was taken through discipleship and learned who I was in Christ!  I learned the truth and learned also to deal with feelings.  I wasn't 'cured' of my worry necessarily or this blog wouldn't exist but I have tools to get me through when I find myself in a valley.  I also sought medical attention since my thyroid was heavily affected by my emotional and spiritual state.  Educate yourself first about depression if you're prone to it or someone you love has or is in a depression.  Learn God's truth too.  Please don't tell people to 'snap out of it' or 'pull themselves up' because that's not helpful.  I didn't like feeling the way I felt but I was in a deep, deep hole without stairs, without a ladder, without a rope!  God had to reach down and pull me up.  That was my only way out and no amount of trying to cheer me on or force me to move was going to help.  In fact many times that type of advice can be harmful because it only makes one feel that much more guilty for feeling those feelings.  

If you're a member of Facebook, today there is an event to raise awareness of suicide and depression.  You can find it here:  Free Love Day: Draw a Heart on Your Wrist, Change the World

Even when I feel as if I'm in that bubble, all alone and drowning, I know I'm not because I know the truth of God's word.  I know that Psalm 23 tells me, "Even though I walk through the darkest valley, I will fear no evil, for you are with me; your rod and your staff, they comfort me."   

Finally, I leave you with this verse:

“And we know that all things work together for good to them that love God, to them who are the called according to his purpose.” – Romans 8:28

All things work together for good!  Not some things, not a few things but all things!  Even our despair, our pain, our anguish and our grief work together for the good in our lives eventually.  If nothing else, when we walk out of those deep places with our Shepherd by our side declaring His greatness and faithfulness, He receives the glory!  Jesus promised us, "And surely I am with you always, to the very end of the age."  (Matthew 28:20b)

If you suspect someone is suffering from depression or is having suicidal thoughts please seek help or medical attention for them.  For more information on Grace Life International please visit http://www.glionline.org/