You know those cool rocks that you have to break open to see the contents inside? A geode is what they're called. If you just hold one in your hand that's never been opened, it might not be a big thrill. It's just a round rock. When you bust it open though the contents are there ready for a feast for your eyes! The bigger they are the more beautiful they are when they're broken into pieces!
I think our heart are like geodes. The contents are hidden from view from human eyes. God of course sees what's inside every heart. It's not until He breaks it or cracks it open that the contents can be seen. I've experienced this myself recently.
So you can understand where I'm coming from I'll share a little bit of my current struggle. We're missionaries. Now I didn't want to reveal this from the start because honestly I don't want that label on me. All of the sudden when the words Pastor, Pastor's wife, Missionary or words like these are spoken out loud the whole world changes. Expectations come flying at you like darts and sometimes even spears! You are to be better than everyone else. You are not to struggle and you are not to worry. Keep it all to yourself. Your faith is HUGE. Nothing wrong ever happens to a missionary and when it does we are super human and can overcome it like Superman! Wrong. My God is as big as your God but I'm not any stronger than any other person walking in the Christian faith. I just obeyed a call and surrendered. That makes me obedient, not special. OK, so that's out of the way and now you know. Please put your expectations away and let me be a person. This is another source of my worry, that I can't be real. God made me to be real though and I just can't seem to help myself! So the beginning of this blog....
Now being in the particular career field that my husband and I are in requires faith. Every day life requires faith honestly! Does it really matter where you work or live? It's all faith. We just don't get a weekly or bi-weekly pay check. We get a check when there's enough money in the PO Box. The PO Box and I have a love/hate relationship! My faith soars when that box is full and is weak when the box is empty. It ebbs and flows. Worrier. I don't feel good about this part of me. I've tried to fight it, I've tried to overcome it, I've tried to Bible thump it to death! I've tried to weed whack it! (See the previous post!) It never worked and it brought me to this blog. I have to sort it out, process it, say it out loud and I even have to despair, lament and whine about it! I HAVE TO FEEL IT! Maybe I'm a baby. You know how babies have to mouth everything in their sight? That's me with every issue that confronts me! I have to 'mouth' it like a baby!! Isn't that a funny picture in your head!?
So here we are today with me worrying about how we're going to get by this month. I forgot about all the other times God got us by. This time was no different. Worry, worry, worry. But then it hit me. Well, a few things hit me. Am I compassionate toward others when they struggle with something for the umpteenth time? Am I patient with their fears and worries? I sure do expect everyone to put up with mine! It also occurred to me that more pours out of me when my heart is breaking. More love, more compassion, more of HIM! When He breaks my heart things come gushing out that are otherwise hidden from the average person. He is allowing others to see in me what He sees. It might be ugly but it's human so maybe seeing that ugly in me helps someone else not feel so bad about themselves. But then again, nothing is ugly about a geode so maybe it isn't ugly. Maybe the struggle is a beautiful thing because it allows God to move. Trials allow God to do the most wonderful things in our lives so that He can get the glory! If I never struggled is it possible that people would look at me and think, "what a strong person she is?" But if you see me struggle while still holding tight to my faith maybe instead you'll say to yourself, "I see the Lord at work in her." Which do you think I'd rather you see? My Lord. He's the only good in me.
I am a geode and inside me is my Lord and all of His love. When He breaks my heart, when He cracks it wide open all the world can see His beauty shining through! The words I write, the things I now feel are a result of the cracks in my heart. Our hearts are closed vessels until our Lord breaks them allowing all His beauty to gush forward; He only asks that we be willing to be broken. And a verse to give you comfort in case you are afraid of a broken heart:
The LORD is close to the brokenhearted and saves those who are crushed in spirit. Psalm 34:18
No comments:
Post a Comment