The Round Pen

 

 

 

This is a picture of our round pen.  We use it for riding, pony rides for camp and training our horses.  Sometimes even the horses who have been broke for many years need a trip to the round pen because they've gotten lazy or just need a little fine tuning in their attitude.  The round pen shows the trainer the character of the horse, its fears and its strong points.  The trainer can find the hidden buttons, do a little pushing and work out the fears and lies that create those buttons.  Even horses have buttons that can be pushed! 

 

I was never a horse person. I didn't grow up around horses, didn't spend weekends at a ranch and I didn't dream of having my own one day.  I liked them but from a distance.  Once or twice I went on a trail ride.  I even dated a guy that went to school to be a farrier but didn't really get into horses during the time we dated.  Fast forward to our move to South Dakota.  Suddenly my husband and I wanted horses.  I can't tell you why.  Perhaps it was just that we were now living in the wild west and we just felt like the addition of horses would complete our western experience.  Whatever the reason, we got horses.  Well, technically they were ponies.  Our first herd was a bunch of ponies and minis!  The one pony we own now, Dakota, is the only pony left from that first little herd.  The others were sold off one by one as we got braver and purchased horses.  Big, full sized, with-a-mind-of-their-own horses!  Here's Dakota and I from several years ago, probably not long after we got her.

 

 

 

The Lord has put people in our lives that have helped us in our journey with building a youth camp in South Dakota and He was just as wonderful about putting horse people along our path too.  First a good friend of ours went into horse ministry and spent time with our family training us in the round pen.  Then our son met and married a young woman who was raised around horses and caring for them was second nature for her.  We've had others along the way show us whatever we've needed to learn and we've managed to not only keep our horses alive but we've added an equine program to our camp, our daughters are now intermediate riders and our son enjoys round penning along with his wife who has trained and broke a horse or two of her own! 

 

So the point of all that background was to share with you, the reader, how God has used the round pen in my life in not only a practical way for working with horses but also in a spiritual manner to train me.  You see, we are all in the round pen.  We all have buttons, bad habits, stubborn sides and we all buck, kick and bite to get our own way.  Welcome to the round pen!

 

First you need to understand how the round pen works.  As its name implies, it's round.  No corners prevents horses from finding a place to stick their noses with their hind ends facing you and putting you in a dangerous position.  When the gate is closed there is no where to go but around.  And around and around.  Some horses keep just going around and around.  The trainer stands in the center.  The trainer is the center of the horse's world.  Well, not quite yet but eventually the hope is to become the center of the horse's world!  Sound familiar?  Our trainer, our master, should be the center of our world but we don't always make Him the center do we?  And we run around and around and around looking for the way out, the loop hole.  We want to find our friends, our stuff, our job, whatever we can to distract us from the center of the round pen.  We think, "He must want something from me so I'm just going to focus on what's on the outside of this round pen.  Maybe He'll go away!"  Any good trainer does not go away.  A good trainer, or a good master, stays and builds a relationship with the one that is in the round pen with them.  He sees our potential and is willing to allow us to run in circles for a bit in order to finally accomplish His good will in us. 

 

If you've ever had the joy of watching a round pen demonstration then you know that things can be difficult.  Horses run, jump, buck, kick or simply just keep running and it can be exhausting for the trainer but the master of our round pen never grows weary.  He never sleeps.  Eventually the goal is to accomplish a few goals; perhaps the trainer can get the horse to stop and rest.  Then maybe the horse, with the correct body language of the trainer, will turn out.  Then maybe the trainer can communicate to the horse to turn in.  Finally perhaps the horse will stop, give the trainer both eyes and even allow the trainer to come close and pet its neck or muzzle.  Of course the training doesn't stop there but that's a start.  It's about building a relationship, gaining trust and learning to listen to one another.  A good trainer asks the horse to make the choice to follow him.  The horse is given the choice.  There are consequences to not choosing wisely but there is never punishment or abuse.  Just correction in love.  Round penning is a process and it's never complete.  There is always work to do, new obstacles to overcome but a good trainer doesn't mind that he has to spend time with his horse.  He knows that it will benefit both him and the animal that he has trained.  The payoff will be when he's in the saddle, spending time with his friend with whom he's built mutual admiration and respect. 

 

I hope this gives you a better understanding of the round pen and how our lives can seem like a round pen.  It can seem that we are endlessly running in circles, getting nowhere fast and learning nothing.  The key is to listen to the master in the center and take rest.  When both our eyes are on Him, we can shut out the world around us and hear His voice.  He is asking us to rest.  His burden is light and He offers rest for the weary.  He bids us, "come".  Join me in the round pen. 

 

Matthew 11:28-29 “…Come to me, all who labor and are heavy laden, and I will give you rest. Take my yoke upon you, and learn from me, for I am gentle and lowly in heart, and you will find rest for your souls. For my yoke is easy, and my burden is light.” 

 

Thanks for joining me in the round pen!  Be sure to stay tuned as I share more of my own adventures with the Master!

 

 



 



Cats and Dogs

Have you ever thought to yourself or perhaps even said out loud to your dog, "I wish you were a cat!"  Maybe you have in a moment of irritation wished that your dog were a cat but you know that a dog can never be turned into a cat!  Wish all you want, it's not possible.  So perhaps you can train your dog to act like a cat!  The dog can behave like a cat all day long but the dog is still not a cat.  It's only acting like a cat.  

Now, say instead of wanting your dog to be a cat, you just want your dog to behave better?  So what do you do?  You train your dog.  You can train dogs any number of ways; beat him into submission, reward with treats or you can actually form a relationship with your dog, spending time with him and win his heart so that his behavior is a result of his desire to please you rather than receive something from you or avoid being hurt by you.  

What if it's not your dog though?  What if it's a person?  Do you ever look at another person and wish they were more like you?  Or more like 'so and so'?  If they'd only quit talking, complaining, etc. I'd be happier with them as my friend, co-worker, family member etc.  Well, wanting to change a person into something you desire is a bit like trying to change a dog into a cat by wishing it were so.  Impossible!  You can no more change another human being because you want it than you can change any other situation that you don't like!  When it's raining can you make the sun come out?  If you want your roses to bloom can you make them?  These are things out of our control.  But what do you do when you wish that person were someone other than who they are?  

1) Admit that they are out of your control.  Let it go.  It's out of your control and your expectations do nothing but make you bitter and others avoid you because of your bitterness.
 

2) Like training your dog you can't 'beat' another person to behave the way you wish and you cannot reward them.  Well, you can but it won't be a lasting solution and it is certainly not God's way of dealing with people who we struggle to get along with.  So, you may want to try to actually develop a healthy relationship with that person.  Notice I said healthy.  Healthy relationships contain boundaries; dos and don'ts that we all have whether we communicate them or not.  A healthy relationship contains mutual respect of each others boundaries and both parties are able to safely communicate those boundaries with no fear of punishment.  So this means that you can safely communicate to the person you are in relationship with concerning those things that might be causing harm to your relationship.  Example: perhaps you have a friend that gossips and you're not comfortable with it.  A healthy relationship allows you to lovingly say to your friend that you enjoy your conversations but notice at times that they wander into talking about others in a way that you're not comfortable with so could those things be avoided from now on?  If your friend overreacts or takes offense see it as a sign of an unhealthy part of your relationship with them or perhaps immaturity on their part.  Pray for that friend and consider changing the nature of your friendship.  An unhealthy friendship cannot be an intimate friendship.  
 

3) Allowing others to be who they are means that you can be comfortable with whatever they do, say or feel because it has nothing to do with you.  Other people's behavior has to do with them, it has nothing to do with you.  People behave the way they do out of their own beliefs about themselves, God and others.  Those beliefs can be based on truth or lies.  If you find you cannot have a healthy relationship with them because of their behavior or beliefs then walk away and let them be who they are without you.  You either accept them as they are and remain in relationship with them or walk away and accept them as they are from a distance. 
 

4) Pray for them.  You can't really know what's going on in their heart and what God might be doing in them.  You may see something on the surface but not see what is in the depths.  Only God sees in the depths and only He can change a person's heart.  Prayer is the most effective tool that you have to use in a difficult relationship. 

In  Matthew 7:1-5 God's word says:  Do not judge, or you too will be judged.  For in the same way you judge others, you will be judged, and with the measure you use, it will be measured to you. “Why do you look at the speck of sawdust in your brother’s eye and pay no attention to the plank in your own eye?  How can you say to your brother, ‘Let me take the speck out of your eye,’ when all the time there is a plank in your own eye?  You hypocrite, first take the plank out of your own eye, and then you will see clearly to remove the speck from your brother’s eye.

The only person you can control is yourself and that comes from the Holy Spirit because Galatians 5:22 tells us that self control is one of the 9 fruits of the Spirit.  If you walk in the flesh you will have behavior control but not true self control.  Self control comes from God's spirit.  True change comes from God alone who makes us a new creation when we are saved by Him.  We can't even change ourselves so it really should be common sense that we can change no one else.  

(Originally written over a year ago but I never published it.  I thought I'd go ahead and do so today.) 

 

After The Storm

That day when evening came, he said to his disciples, “Let us go over to the other side.” Leaving the crowd behind, they took him along, just as he was, in the boat. There were also other boats with him.  A furious squall came up, and the waves broke over the boat, so that it was nearly swamped.  Jesus was in the stern, sleeping on a cushion. The disciples woke him and said to him, “Teacher, don’t you care if we drown?”  He got up, rebuked the wind and said to the waves, “Quiet! Be still!” Then the wind died down and it was completely calm.  He said to his disciples, “Why are you so afraid? Do you still have no faith?”  They were terrified and asked each other, “Who is this? Even the wind and the waves obey him!”  Mark 4:35-41

It's been close to a year since I've written here.  I suppose I'm OK at writing but not at keeping up on a blog!  I began this to sort out feelings.  I needed a place to wade through the muck that seemed to be sucking at my ankles, causing me to lose my footing.  I clung desperately to the life that I had inside me that comes from Christ but emotionally I was so drained.  My physical health was a mess too.  I can't tell you which comes first; the messed up thyroid because of stress or the inability to cope with stress because of a messed up thyroid!  Doesn't matter though as I've come through the storm.  I've emerged feeling a bit like a drowned kitten but just like a kitten would shake the wet from its coat and clean itself up, so must I.  I see sunlight ahead and now I'm able to embrace more fully the truths that God placed in my heart.  Before those truths were like shadow, like images in the fog which are not discernible but now that the fog has lifted I can see them more fully and like a field full of wildflowers, I can pick them, hold them, smell them.  If you don't understand how alive God's word is then you are missing out on the most beautiful of all treasures.  I've lived a Christian life for quite some time now but God's word has been revealed to me in a richer and more vibrant way.  It's like how everything seems greener and more alive just after the storm. 

The thing about storms is this; some storms can be terrifying but once they've passed the earth looks cleaner, smells sweeter and everything looks brighter.  We have an appreciation for the ability to pass through these storms and come out the victor on the other side.  Bringing Samuel home from the hospital was this type of storm for me.  Although we had to change some things in our lives to deal with Sam's blood clotting disorder and his blocked inferior vena cava (the main vein that brings blood back from the legs to the heart) we still came out of the storm with our family intact and stronger than before.  We were rattled but we hadn't lost hope.  I've gone through a number of these storms and sometimes the Lord has spoke in the midst of them, saying, "peace, be still" in my heart.  Sometimes I heard Him just simply say, "trust in me."  After Sam was allowed to go into a regular hospital room after being in pediatric ICU Don and I finally got a night to sleep in a real bed in a nearby hotel.  We wouldn't leave his side up until that time.  During the night I was fretting about Sam's life expectancy and how this disorder was going to affect it.  God plainly said to me that it changed nothing, He knew all along that Samuel had this disorder and it didn't change the number of days he had on this earth just because now we were made aware of it.  Though it was hard to get through it, we'd come through the storm.  

Other storms though are much more violent and leave a path of destruction behind them.  There are no birds singing sweetly in the trees, no green grass sparkling in the sunlight, no rainbow stretching across a bright blue sky.  There's only pain, broken dreams and crushed hearts.  This is the storm I feel that I've just come through.  I haven't experienced the worst pains that a woman can feel.  I haven't lost a child, a husband or either of my parents yet.  I have grieved though.  I've lost some friendships that I valued and that I put high expectations in.   At the end of it I was and still am honestly disillusioned by what a "Christian" is.  How could someone calling themselves by that name be so horribly hurtful and ugly to someone that the Bible calls their brother or sister in Christ?  How can someone have the spirit of the living God in them and treat someone the way I felt I was being treated?  The storm left a broken heart in its path and I didn't know if it would ever be repaired.  Then God showed me how to rebuild after the storm!  Read James 3:8-18:

But no man can tame the tongue. It is an unruly evil, full of deadly poison.  With it we bless our God and Father, and with it we curse men, who have been made in the similitude of God.  Out of the same mouth proceed blessing and cursing. My brethren, these things ought not to be so.  Does a spring send forth fresh water and bitter from the same opening? Can a fig tree, my brethren, bear olives, or a grapevine bear figs? Thus no spring yields both salt water and fresh.  Who is wise and understanding among you? Let him show by good conduct that his works are done in the meekness of wisdom.  But if you have bitter envy and self-seeking in your hearts, do not boast and lie against the truth.  This wisdom does not descend from above, but is earthly, sensual, demonic.  For where envy and self-seeking exist, confusion and every evil thing are there.  But the wisdom that is from above is first pure, then peaceable, gentle, willing to yield, full of mercy and good fruits, without partiality and without hypocrisy.  Now the fruit of righteousness is sown in peace by those who make peace.

While in the midst of this storm I was hurt by those that I thought were friends.  I was offended by how I was being treated.  I was defending myself and pointing out the hypocrisy that I saw in others.  But something began to happen.  At times my flesh would rear up like a wild horse and I'd want to cause harm to those that were causing me pain.  I wanted justice and I wanted an eye for an eye!  Time and time again though I couldn't bring myself to 'get even'.  I vented, I pouted, I spewed my own feelings from a heart that felt like it was full of hot lava but then I just couldn't take vengeance myself.  I began to recognize that even though I was intensely hurt, I still felt love.  But this love wasn't from me and I knew that.  I began to feel this love that came from God like a well of fresh spring water.  It was refreshing and I wanted more.  There was still plenty of mud and muck to dig through to get to that well but I knew it was there.  It was seeping through and making the ground around my heart soft.  I'm not saying I don't have any feelings now.  But I am saying that there's something more important to me now than my feelings and my need to nurse my own wounds.  There is now a desire to love others in a way that only Christ in me can love them.  I don't want to curse those who curse me.  I don't want to cheapen the being that has been made in the image of God with my hurtful words.  After this storm I need to clean up my own backyard and remove the deadly things from it before I start fussing about the things that are found in my neighbor's yard.  My heart can only be clean when the spring of living water, Christ, is flowing freely from it.  It can't flow freely if it's plugged up with my own ugly words and thoughts.  I'm not saying this is something we 'do' either.  This isn't about law.  This is about a yielding, a willingness to allow that which is already within us to flourish.  It's seeing beyond ourselves and into the heart of God.  His heart lives in us but we must believe that and we must trust Him to deal with the hearts of others in the same way that He's dealing with our own hearts.  

I know it's hard to forgive when you've been hurt.  Forgiveness isn't saying that it's OK for another person to violate us, our feelings or our boundaries.  Forgiveness is saying that you recognize that the debt has been paid by Jesus for everyone's sins, even those who have hurt us.  It's placing that person in the hands of Jesus and allowing Him to deal with that person's heart.  It also doesn't mean that you must willingly allow the person who's caused you harm to come back into your life.  Those who have betrayed my friendship won't be allowed to walk in close fellowship with me again.  I pray that they repent but the relationship that we once had can't be restored just the same as when a storm has destroyed your home, you may rebuild but the new home will never be the same as the one before it.  I can have fond memories of the good times that we had together and I will be thankful for the lessons I've learned from this experience.  Now I'm better prepared if another storm of this sort comes through my life.  Next time though I'll be looking to the One that controls the storm in a deeper and more trusting way than I have previously.  For now I know that I can love just as He loves because of the spring of living water that He has shown me that exists within me. 

Greatness Requires Risk

As I lay in bed last night I had what seemed like a million thoughts floating through my head.  Every single little worry was beating at me, pounding at my resolve to have faith and trust the Lord.  My daughter explained to me yesterday how bees will bump you several times when attacking a person as a group and finally they'll sting you.  I felt that way as I tried to fall asleep, like little bees were bumping into my brain over and over.  I woke up feeling stung.  

I suppose the reason I felt the way I did as I rose from my bed was because on the eve of my son's one year anniversary of being admitted to PICU at Meritcare Children's Hospital in Fargo, ND I was about to be tested for the same syndrome that landed him there.  I didn't even think about the timing when I made this appointment.  And I guess I didn't think it'd have any emotional affect on me.  It's not like I'm worrying over just this one thing but it's a whole list of things all happening at once that I can't seem to pull out of my head and deal with.  I describe this to my husband, Don, as a ball of yarn that needs unraveling.  But it's almost like there's so much yarn that I can't find the place at which to begin.  So what do I do?  

Some of my answers came last night.  Don and I tuned into a movie called Extraordinary Measures with Brendan Fraser, Harrison Ford and Keri Russell.  It's based on the true story of the Crowley family and how the father, John, went to extraordinary means to find a cure for a disease that would take the lives of two of his children by age 10.  At one point in the story he's faced with an enormous decision; he's been offered a 40% raise and promotion in his company which also provides health insurance for his 2 sick children or he can give that up to fight for a cure which could leave him penniless, without insurance and eventually could end in the imminent death of his 2 children.  He's faced with choosing between the daring and the safe.  He chooses to walk away from his promotion, risk it all and fight for his childrens' lives.  At one point later in the movie when things are their darkest he finds himself regretting his choice.  It hit me then that striving for greatness always has its risks.  But you only achieve greatness by taking those risks.  

So, this brings me to one of those 'bees' bumping around in my head.  Ten years ago after 9-11 Don felt called to leave USAirways.  He was making good money, we had lots of nice benefits, we were happy in our church with lots of people surrounding us in our every day life and we had a nice home.  But God called us to something else.  And we knew it.  So we gave it all up and moved to South Dakota to eventually develop a summer camp.  We're in our second year now.  But again there's this call to let go of security.  Don has a 2nd job that pays well, provides insurance and every 2 weeks I know he's bringing home a pay check.  The empty PO Box isn't as awful to peek into when there's a check on the way.  And the insurance.  Did I mention I got tested for APS today?  If I test positive and lose insurance I am scared that future insurance companies will consider it a pre-existing condition.  APS can be a lot more costly than thyroid disease.  I know this for a fact as my son's bills piled up last year.  One Dr. bill for Sam was over $40,000.  God provided, yes.  But you know already that I am a worrier.  

The thing is though that ministries don't build themselves.  Supporters are based on relationship and the director of non-profits has to seek relationships with individuals and churches that see the vision and will support it prayerfully and financially.  Supporters go through cycles.  Some give for years faithfully, some come and go.  Don has to be able to reach out to new people and churches all the time in order to continue building a team of people that enable us to carry and fulfill the vision.  Right now our ministry is being carried on the shoulders of a small group of people that are faithful each and every month.  But that small group cannot carry the entire cost of what it takes to keep a missionary in the field, put kids through camp each summer and keep up on construction needs.  Don needs to fund raise.  But for Don to fund raise, he's going to have to let go of his full time job and make the ministry his full time pursuit.  I have to let go again.  I have to have faith when I feel like I have none.  Here I go worrying again.  

John Crowley had faith that the research needed to save his kids lives was correct and he fought for the funds to be provided for it.  He let go of everything for the lives of his two kids.  Greatness requires risk.  Think about how many kids on the reservation here will be impacted with summer camp each year?  How much are we willing to risk for not just 2 children but for hundreds?  And it's not just their physical lives we're talking about!  What about their spiritual lives?  How much are we willing to risk for the life of these kids who have never stepped foot into church?  Who have no idea who Jesus is and have no idea that they are loved? 

I took a leap of faith today by getting tested for APS at my Dr.s request.  I don't know if I'll have insurance to cover it if I test positive and one day need treatment.  I don't know how many empty PO Boxes I'll have to stare down from day to day wondering how we'll keep operating month to month at 1/2 our budget.  Right now, I don't even know if any churches will open their doors to hear Don share the vision of our ministry.  And maybe we're not even being asked to give up the security of that bi-weekly pay check.  I don't know yet.  I think I'm just supposed to be willing right now to let go if asked.  

Greatness requires risk.  What are you willing to risk?  I leave you with the first Bible verse that showed up on my phone this morning.  (I have verses sent via text so I'm reminded all day long!)

The LORD will fight for you; you need only to be still.” Exodus 14:14

What a powerful verse!  The greatest risk for me is to first trust.  Then let go.  

Taking a look back

One year ago today our world changed in a way I hadn't anticipated or expected.  My husband, myself and our 2 daughters had just come back from a trip to Texas where we had shared our ministry with a lovely church to find Samuel barely able to walk.  Just a few days before he had been complaining of back pain so I instructed him to alternate ice and heat and take ibuprofen.  His condition persisted and on May 5th I took him to the first of many Dr. appointments.  The first visit was with a physician's assistant who tested Sam for a number of causes for his pain but found nothing.  He determined it was back strain since Sam had helped a friend move a trailer only a few days before.  We went home and treated his condition as such but he grew worse each day.  Finally on Mother's Day he had developed a fever that we were unable to control.  I thought it might be a virus; what else could it be?  He was only 15 years old and I couldn't imagine a healthy young man having anything terribly serious.  Monday came and went with no improvement so Sam was taken in to see another physician's assistant who upon seeing Samuel, turned his care over to the pediatrician.  Sam's fingernails and toenails were blue and we had no idea why.  More tests were ordered, including x-rays, and we were sent home while our Dr. made phone calls to specialists to determine what might be the cause of Sam's symptoms.  Wednesday, May 12, became a blur.  We went back to the Dr. to hear about the test results but nothing had come in yet.  Being sent home again was frustrating and getting tiresome since Sam could barely walk at this point and we had to assist him in getting up and down stairs.  I received a call from our Dr. that afternoon telling me to get Sam up to the Meritcare Children's Hospital in Fargo, ND immediately for an MRI.  It didn't sink in that this was serious.  I think God insulated my brain because I'm not sure how I would have handled things if I really 'knew' what was going on.  He also instructed me to pack an overnight bag.  At that time they suspected a spinal injury, perhaps a slipped disk, in Samuel's back.  We packed for one night.  

Just to keep this post brief I'll give you the condensed version of the next 10 days.  After an MRI, CT scan, ultrasound and more blood work it was discovered that Sam had clots in his veins from his knees up into his abdomen.  At first they thought he had a clot in his Inferior Vena Cava, the vein that takes blood back to the heart from your legs, but it turns out it's chronically blocked.  Over the course of the next several days Sam went into surgery every day to have the clots broken up or removed by an Interventional Radiologist or vein Dr.  He was in ICU because of the powerful blood thinners and clot busters he was receiving through IVs.  On day 10 we were released but had no idea why his body had done what it had done.  Within time we learned he had Antiphospholipid Antibody Syndrome; an autoimmune disorder that attacks the blood's clotting mechanism.  He also tested positive for Hyperhomocysteinemia, a genetic  mutation that causes the interior of the veins to be rough like sandpaper.  As of this date two of my other three children have tested positive for APS as well as my dad.  I'll be tested next.  

Today I feel many emotions.  I feel sad because of how it changed Sam's life but I'm also very grateful that we had such amazing Dr.s and so many friends supporting us and praying for us.  It was also a difficult time because people that I thought were my friends and would be there for me in a crisis weren't.  At times I felt very isolated and alone but made myself remember that God was always with me and I didn't need hundreds of people surrounding me all of the time.  I knew I couldn't see 'behind the scenes' so had no idea who was praying for Sam.  I knew people were though.  It was hard bringing him home too.  I worried that I would do something wrong, something that would hurt him or even cost him his life.  I was afraid.  

This event not only changed our lives because of the news we all learned concerning our medical history and educating ourselves about APS but it also changed us as a family.  We all learned how precious and fragile life is and even if we have our moments when we're angry at one another like any normal family, we know that we shouldn't leave or go to bed with a harsh word on our lips.  For me, I think I shut every emotion off that I could while Sam was in the hospital and then I remained on autopilot for the summer since we were hosting teams and doing summer camp for the first time.  Reality has trickled in on me slowly over time since it didn't hit me all at once.  I struggled through a difficult winter with this being one issue that I had to confront.  I allowed myself to grieve even if it seemed that others wanted me to be grateful or get over it.  I was always grateful but there are other feelings to feel too when your child has just fought a life threatening battle and has been diagnosed with a chronic illness.  Life is not sunshine and lollipops all the time.  What really matters is who one looks to when life gets hard.  

God has continuously brought me to the end of myself showing me that He is the only one I can depend on and the only one I need.  I can be so dependent on people that I stray from leaning on God.  Desiring relationships with others is healthy but using them to meet our needs rather than trusting God to meet our needs is not.  I still long for fellowship, wishing that I could stand in the middle of a sea of believers singing praise and worship songs but God has me in a place that's different than my desires.  And I am learning to be content in that place.  Sam's journey has made me confront this part of myself.  The worrier in me gets anxious that I might be alone, that I don't have friends or enough friends and that when difficult times come upon me I won't have anyone there to stand with me.  But God's word says differently:

You are my hiding place; you will protect me from trouble and surround me with songs of deliverance. (Psalm 32:7-8)

The Lord is a refuge for the oppressed, a stronghold in times of trouble. (Psalm 9:9-10)

When the righteous cry for help, the Lord hears, and rescues them from all their troubles. (Psalm 34:17)

My soul finds rest in God alone; my salvation comes from him. He alone is my rock and my salvation; he is my fortress, I will never be shaken. (Psalm 62:1-2)

These are only a few of the many verses that assure us of His presence and deliverance.  What do I really believe about the Lord?  I believe He'll keep His hand on my son all the days of his life and only the Lord knows how many days he has.  I believe that although my heart may fear, God will give me comfort and remind me of His steadfast love.  And I believe that God loves my son more than I ever possibly could and will guide his every step so that Sam's life will bring God glory.  

One of my favorite verses for when I get anxious over Samuel's health:

In repentance and rest is your salvation, in quietness and trust is your strength. (Isaiah 30:15)
  
I particularly like the second half of that verse.  It reminds me to be quiet, not just outwardly but inwardly and trust Him because that is when I am strongest.  I find my strength only in Him.  I have none on my own.  And He has brought us through many deep waters and treacherous storms!  Today I'm resting quietly, trusting in the creator of my son and the God who loves him enough to send His son to die for him.  Samuel was named after the Samuel of the Bible because just as Hannah asked God for a son, so had I.  Sam means "God heard" or "God listened".  I'm blessed because God not only heard me once and gave me a baby boy, God heard me twice and preserved his life one year ago.  I pray in Jesus' name that Samuel will do great things for the Lord!  Amen!  


If you are interested in Samuel's story you can read our journal on The Caring Bridge from last year.  I'll probably update it as the one year anniversary of his hospitalization comes closer and after he sees his Dr. for his one year visit.  It's found here:

http://www.caringbridge.org/visit/samuellykins


   

What Is Your Prison?

Consider this verse:

Around midnight Paul and Silas were praying and singing hymns to God, and the other prisoners were listening.  Acts 16:25

Notice first the time.  It was midnight.  Do you suppose Paul and Silas were tired?  I would be.  When I was 20 I could stay up all night.  Around 30 I could manage 2-3 AM.  I'm now in my 40s and 10 PM is a stretch!  But considering where they were and their situation, I'm betting they were a little tired.  

Speaking of where they were, did you notice where that was?  It says, "the other prisoners were listening."  Apparently they were in prison.  And you and I both know that dungeon is probably a better word for it.  Nowadays prisons are pretty decent with nice food and controlled environments because of concerns for human rights.  I would imagine the prison that Paul and Silas were in was dark, musty, stinky, cold and miserable!  Human rights were not a consideration in those days!


So it's midnight and they're in prison.  The most important thing to notice now is what they were doing and to whom.  They were praying and singing hymns to God!  So, I've made it perfectly clear that I am a worrier.  Guess what I'd be doing in that prison!  Crying and whining!  LOL!  I'd actually follow a progression of emotions and their manifestations.  I'd be scared so I'd cry.  I'd be uncomfortable so I may complain.  I'd wonder why God was doing this to me, why was He allowing this to happen, where is He?  Then I'd cry again!  But here in this verse we don't see if Paul and Silas whined or cried or complained.  Because if they did, it's not important.  What is important is that they prayed and they sang hymns to God!  

But there's one more important point I want you to see.  Did you notice who was listening?  The prisoners that were there with them.  Now imagine this scene from the perspective of a worrier like me.  Maybe it went like this:


Silas:  It's cold.  I can't feel my toes.  Wish I had some socks.
Paul: Yeah, my fingers are numb.  I asked God if He'd give us some heat but He reminded me that His grace is sufficient.
Silas:  Yeah.  Well, I'm hungry and it's mighty hard to be happy with grace when your stomach is growling!
Paul:  I hear ya.  And I tell ya, I kinda have to go to the bathroom but have you seen the toilet?
Silas:  I did.  I've been holding it since then.  Do you think God has abandoned us?
Paul:   Well, to be honest, I felt that way when we first got thrown in here but then I realized that He said He would never leave us or forsake us.  He keeps His word, we have seen that time and time again.  
Silas:  You're right.  I was hungry once before and didn't know what I was going to eat but He provided a meal for me.  
Paul:  And remember when there was no money for the taxes?!  He really provided then!  
Silas:  He did!  It isn't great being here but I can submit to whatever He asks of me because I know He'll bring us through.
Paul:  He will.  And even in death, we'll be with Him.  Let's pray together.  We don't know what the outcome of this will be but we do know that He has been faithful even in our darkest moments!  
Silas:  Yeah, let's pray!  And sing a few songs to pass the time!  
Paul:  (bows head and begins to pray)
Fellow prisoners:  (all listen in and marvel at the faith of Paul and Silas.)


Now don't think I'm being a heretic or sacrilegious for making up my own little scenario there!  Paul and Silas were ordinary men who did extraordinary things because of the God they served and the Lord they had faith in.  The Holy Spirit enabled them to overcome their circumstances and give praise to God!  I don't always work through my sorrows quite so quickly but sometimes I think it's because so many pile on top of me that I can't process them all.  But there's always hope so I don't live in despair!  Eventually in the end I come out praying and singing praises to God!  I think that's the point of the verse that we don't want to miss; that Paul and Silas were singing praises and praying in the darkest of places!  And others were listening!  

I have learned lately that it's best not to pretend that we as Christians never struggle, never get sick, never have financial difficulties because we do.  We were never promised an easy life.  We were promised that He'd be with us through everything, that He'd give us peace and that He would carry our burdens if we gave them to Him.  If people see you always happy, chin up, no cares in the world because you are denying that you have any cares don't they risk getting the wrong impression of the Christian walk?  I think we should allow people to see our struggles but at the same time allow them to see the peace that we have as we walk through them.  Everyone has problems, no one escapes them but not everyone has the assurance of peace that comes with knowing Christ.  We don't need to be showing the world how strong we are!  We should be showing the world our weaknesses and in doing so we allow God to show His strengths!  I only get through each and every trial by allowing my God to be my strength!  I have tried to do things in my own strength before and it brought me nothing but trouble! 

Let's finish the story in Acts 16:26-30:

Suddenly there was such a violent earthquake that the foundations of the prison were shaken. At once all the prison doors flew open, and everyone’s chains came loose.  The jailer woke up, and when he saw the prison doors open, he drew his sword and was about to kill himself because he thought the prisoners had escaped.  But Paul shouted, “Don’t harm yourself! We are all here!”  The jailer called for lights, rushed in and fell trembling before Paul and Silas.  He then brought them out and asked, “Sirs, what must I do to be saved?”

  
God delivered Paul and Silas from the prison, the prisoners stayed in spite of their chains coming loose and the jailer cried out to be saved!  Extraordinary!  He can do the same for you!  Worry is a prison that God wants to set us free from!  What ground shaking event needs to occur for us to believe!?  I've had a few earthquakes in my own life but I have put the chains back on my own feet and refused to leave the prison!  However I know God can help me in my unbelief, He will not give up on me.  And He hasn't give up on you!  


What is your prison?  Let's sing and pray together!  

 What a friend we have in Jesus

All our sins and griefs to bear!

What a privilege to carry

Everything to God in prayer!

Oh, what peace we often forfeit,

Oh, what needless pain we bear,

All because we do not carry

Everything to God in prayer!

(What A Friend We Have In Jesus; Joseph M. Scriven)

 

Camp By The Sea

Often I think about the many miracles that the Israelites witnessed God perform before their very eyes and how they seemed to forget every one of them when faced with a new trial.  I marvel at how forgetful we are as people.  Just recently I was thinking about how God delivered the newly freed slaves from Pharaoh's army at the Red Sea.  They had just seen the 10 plagues that God had sent on the land in order for them to be set free and they were given the deliverer that they had prayed to God to send them during the time of their captivity yet their faith failed them when they were between the army of Pharaoh and his chariots and the Red Sea. The story begins in Exodus 14:

Then the LORD said to Moses, “Tell the Israelites to turn back and encamp near Pi Hahiroth, between Migdol and the sea. They are to encamp by the sea, directly opposite Baal Zephon.  Pharaoh will think, ‘The Israelites are wandering around the land in confusion, hemmed in by the desert.’  And I will harden Pharaoh’s heart, and he will pursue them. But I will gain glory for myself through Pharaoh and all his army, and the Egyptians will know that I am the LORD.” So the Israelites did this. 

God instructed Moses and the children of Israel to encamp by the sea.  He knew Pharaoh would pursue Israel.  Actually he CAUSED Pharaoh to pursue them!  I wonder if the Israelites complained among themselves, "what's He doing?"  Did they have faith?  Did they realize what was about to happen?  I'm guessing that this conversation took place only between Moses and God.  The people probably had no idea what was about to occur!  If they had, do you think they would have followed Moses?  They may have realized that they were about to be slaughtered by the Egyptian army because they would have no where to go!  The story continues:

As Pharaoh approached, the Israelites looked up, and there were the Egyptians, marching after them. They were terrified and cried out to the LORD. They said to Moses, “Was it because there were no graves in Egypt that you brought us to the desert to die? What have you done to us by bringing us out of Egypt? Didn’t we say to you in Egypt, ‘Leave us alone; let us serve the Egyptians’? It would have been better for us to serve the Egyptians than to die in the desert!” 

Have you ever felt this way?  Let me tell you, I have!  Many times in fact!  "Have you brought us to South Dakota only so we'll freeze to death?"  You can substitute 'freeze to death' with 'starve to death' or 'die of loneliness' or 'be hated by everyone...'  You get the point!  I've often questioned why we're here doing what we're doing when it seems we're camped at sea.  Which way do we go now, Lord?  We can't go back, the enemy is on our heels!  We can't go forward, the sea of the unknown will swallow us up!  At this very moment we stand at a great sea in front of us!  I cannot for the life of me see any way out and I'm asking God, "Did you bring us this far only to have us fail!?"  It's how I honestly feel.  But I know it isn't true.  Back to the Red Sea and Israel:

Moses answered the people, “Do not be afraid. Stand firm and you will see the deliverance the LORD will bring you today. The Egyptians you see today you will never see again. The LORD will fight for you; you need only to be still.” 

What beautiful instructions!  One, do not be afraid!  Two, stand firm!  Three, the Lord will fight for you!  Four, BE STILL!  Teena, be still!  Why is that so hard to do?  We see next that God opens up the sea which allows the children of Israel to walk through the sea on dry ground!  He again hardens Pharaoh's heart so that the army pursues them but God shuts the sea up around them and the army drowns.  The Israelites go free!  So it ends:

But the Israelites went through the sea on dry ground, with a wall of water on their right and on their left. That day the LORD saved Israel from the hands of the Egyptians, and Israel saw the Egyptians lying dead on the shore. And when the Israelites saw the mighty hand of the LORD displayed against the Egyptians, the people feared the LORD and put their trust in him and in Moses his servant. 

Why do we go through trials?  Why does God allow them?  Our enemy seeks to destroy us but God is our deliverer and He wants us to be still while He saves us from the enemy so that He alone can receive the glory.  Worry is the army approaching my camp by the sea.  The sea is the unknown, the not knowing how God will provide or protect or answer my prayers.  I can't stop the circumstances around me any more than the Israelites could fight the army of well over 600 hundred chariots and I can't make my way across the unknown any easier than the people of God could swim across the Red Sea.  I have to put aside my fear, stand firm, know that the Lord will fight for me and then be still.  

The question then is this; do we make our camp by the sea and wait for destruction?  Or do we put up our tents and wait calmly while the Lord makes a way that we hadn't seen before?  I used to sing a song years ago at a little church in Plainfield, IN that I still find myself humming today:

God will make a way

Where there seems to be no way

He works in ways we cannot see

He will make a way for me

He will be my guide

Hold me closely to His side

With love and strength

For each new day

He will make a way

He will make a way

By a roadway in the wilderness

He'll lead me

And rivers in the desert will I see

Heaven and earth will fade

But His Word will still remain

He will do something new today

Lyrics by Don Moen