It's been close to a year since I've written here. I suppose I'm OK at writing but not at keeping up on a blog! I began this to sort out feelings. I needed a place to wade through the muck that seemed to be sucking at my ankles, causing me to lose my footing. I clung desperately to the life that I had inside me that comes from Christ but emotionally I was so drained. My physical health was a mess too. I can't tell you which comes first; the messed up thyroid because of stress or the inability to cope with stress because of a messed up thyroid! Doesn't matter though as I've come through the storm. I've emerged feeling a bit like a drowned kitten but just like a kitten would shake the wet from its coat and clean itself up, so must I. I see sunlight ahead and now I'm able to embrace more fully the truths that God placed in my heart. Before those truths were like shadow, like images in the fog which are not discernible but now that the fog has lifted I can see them more fully and like a field full of wildflowers, I can pick them, hold them, smell them. If you don't understand how alive God's word is then you are missing out on the most beautiful of all treasures. I've lived a Christian life for quite some time now but God's word has been revealed to me in a richer and more vibrant way. It's like how everything seems greener and more alive just after the storm.
The thing about storms is this; some storms can be terrifying but once they've passed the earth looks cleaner, smells sweeter and everything looks brighter. We have an appreciation for the ability to pass through these storms and come out the victor on the other side. Bringing Samuel home from the hospital was this type of storm for me. Although we had to change some things in our lives to deal with Sam's blood clotting disorder and his blocked inferior vena cava (the main vein that brings blood back from the legs to the heart) we still came out of the storm with our family intact and stronger than before. We were rattled but we hadn't lost hope. I've gone through a number of these storms and sometimes the Lord has spoke in the midst of them, saying, "peace, be still" in my heart. Sometimes I heard Him just simply say, "trust in me." After Sam was allowed to go into a regular hospital room after being in pediatric ICU Don and I finally got a night to sleep in a real bed in a nearby hotel. We wouldn't leave his side up until that time. During the night I was fretting about Sam's life expectancy and how this disorder was going to affect it. God plainly said to me that it changed nothing, He knew all along that Samuel had this disorder and it didn't change the number of days he had on this earth just because now we were made aware of it. Though it was hard to get through it, we'd come through the storm.
But no man can tame the tongue. It is an unruly evil, full of deadly poison. With it we bless our God and Father, and with it we curse men, who have been made in the similitude of God. Out of the same mouth proceed blessing and cursing. My brethren, these things ought not to be so. Does a spring send forth fresh water and bitter from the same opening? Can a fig tree, my brethren, bear olives, or a grapevine bear figs? Thus no spring yields both salt water and fresh. Who is wise and understanding among you? Let him show by good conduct that his works are done in the meekness of wisdom. But if you have bitter envy and self-seeking in your hearts, do not boast and lie against the truth. This wisdom does not descend from above, but is earthly, sensual, demonic. For where envy and self-seeking exist, confusion and every evil thing are there. But the wisdom that is from above is first pure, then peaceable, gentle, willing to yield, full of mercy and good fruits, without partiality and without hypocrisy. Now the fruit of righteousness is sown in peace by those who make peace.
While in the midst of this storm I was hurt by those that I thought were friends. I was offended by how I was being treated. I was defending myself and pointing out the hypocrisy that I saw in others. But something began to happen. At times my flesh would rear up like a wild horse and I'd want to cause harm to those that were causing me pain. I wanted justice and I wanted an eye for an eye! Time and time again though I couldn't bring myself to 'get even'. I vented, I pouted, I spewed my own feelings from a heart that felt like it was full of hot lava but then I just couldn't take vengeance myself. I began to recognize that even though I was intensely hurt, I still felt love. But this love wasn't from me and I knew that. I began to feel this love that came from God like a well of fresh spring water. It was refreshing and I wanted more. There was still plenty of mud and muck to dig through to get to that well but I knew it was there. It was seeping through and making the ground around my heart soft. I'm not saying I don't have any feelings now. But I am saying that there's something more important to me now than my feelings and my need to nurse my own wounds. There is now a desire to love others in a way that only Christ in me can love them. I don't want to curse those who curse me. I don't want to cheapen the being that has been made in the image of God with my hurtful words. After this storm I need to clean up my own backyard and remove the deadly things from it before I start fussing about the things that are found in my neighbor's yard. My heart can only be clean when the spring of living water, Christ, is flowing freely from it. It can't flow freely if it's plugged up with my own ugly words and thoughts. I'm not saying this is something we 'do' either. This isn't about law. This is about a yielding, a willingness to allow that which is already within us to flourish. It's seeing beyond ourselves and into the heart of God. His heart lives in us but we must believe that and we must trust Him to deal with the hearts of others in the same way that He's dealing with our own hearts.
