Greatness Requires Risk

As I lay in bed last night I had what seemed like a million thoughts floating through my head.  Every single little worry was beating at me, pounding at my resolve to have faith and trust the Lord.  My daughter explained to me yesterday how bees will bump you several times when attacking a person as a group and finally they'll sting you.  I felt that way as I tried to fall asleep, like little bees were bumping into my brain over and over.  I woke up feeling stung.  

I suppose the reason I felt the way I did as I rose from my bed was because on the eve of my son's one year anniversary of being admitted to PICU at Meritcare Children's Hospital in Fargo, ND I was about to be tested for the same syndrome that landed him there.  I didn't even think about the timing when I made this appointment.  And I guess I didn't think it'd have any emotional affect on me.  It's not like I'm worrying over just this one thing but it's a whole list of things all happening at once that I can't seem to pull out of my head and deal with.  I describe this to my husband, Don, as a ball of yarn that needs unraveling.  But it's almost like there's so much yarn that I can't find the place at which to begin.  So what do I do?  

Some of my answers came last night.  Don and I tuned into a movie called Extraordinary Measures with Brendan Fraser, Harrison Ford and Keri Russell.  It's based on the true story of the Crowley family and how the father, John, went to extraordinary means to find a cure for a disease that would take the lives of two of his children by age 10.  At one point in the story he's faced with an enormous decision; he's been offered a 40% raise and promotion in his company which also provides health insurance for his 2 sick children or he can give that up to fight for a cure which could leave him penniless, without insurance and eventually could end in the imminent death of his 2 children.  He's faced with choosing between the daring and the safe.  He chooses to walk away from his promotion, risk it all and fight for his childrens' lives.  At one point later in the movie when things are their darkest he finds himself regretting his choice.  It hit me then that striving for greatness always has its risks.  But you only achieve greatness by taking those risks.  

So, this brings me to one of those 'bees' bumping around in my head.  Ten years ago after 9-11 Don felt called to leave USAirways.  He was making good money, we had lots of nice benefits, we were happy in our church with lots of people surrounding us in our every day life and we had a nice home.  But God called us to something else.  And we knew it.  So we gave it all up and moved to South Dakota to eventually develop a summer camp.  We're in our second year now.  But again there's this call to let go of security.  Don has a 2nd job that pays well, provides insurance and every 2 weeks I know he's bringing home a pay check.  The empty PO Box isn't as awful to peek into when there's a check on the way.  And the insurance.  Did I mention I got tested for APS today?  If I test positive and lose insurance I am scared that future insurance companies will consider it a pre-existing condition.  APS can be a lot more costly than thyroid disease.  I know this for a fact as my son's bills piled up last year.  One Dr. bill for Sam was over $40,000.  God provided, yes.  But you know already that I am a worrier.  

The thing is though that ministries don't build themselves.  Supporters are based on relationship and the director of non-profits has to seek relationships with individuals and churches that see the vision and will support it prayerfully and financially.  Supporters go through cycles.  Some give for years faithfully, some come and go.  Don has to be able to reach out to new people and churches all the time in order to continue building a team of people that enable us to carry and fulfill the vision.  Right now our ministry is being carried on the shoulders of a small group of people that are faithful each and every month.  But that small group cannot carry the entire cost of what it takes to keep a missionary in the field, put kids through camp each summer and keep up on construction needs.  Don needs to fund raise.  But for Don to fund raise, he's going to have to let go of his full time job and make the ministry his full time pursuit.  I have to let go again.  I have to have faith when I feel like I have none.  Here I go worrying again.  

John Crowley had faith that the research needed to save his kids lives was correct and he fought for the funds to be provided for it.  He let go of everything for the lives of his two kids.  Greatness requires risk.  Think about how many kids on the reservation here will be impacted with summer camp each year?  How much are we willing to risk for not just 2 children but for hundreds?  And it's not just their physical lives we're talking about!  What about their spiritual lives?  How much are we willing to risk for the life of these kids who have never stepped foot into church?  Who have no idea who Jesus is and have no idea that they are loved? 

I took a leap of faith today by getting tested for APS at my Dr.s request.  I don't know if I'll have insurance to cover it if I test positive and one day need treatment.  I don't know how many empty PO Boxes I'll have to stare down from day to day wondering how we'll keep operating month to month at 1/2 our budget.  Right now, I don't even know if any churches will open their doors to hear Don share the vision of our ministry.  And maybe we're not even being asked to give up the security of that bi-weekly pay check.  I don't know yet.  I think I'm just supposed to be willing right now to let go if asked.  

Greatness requires risk.  What are you willing to risk?  I leave you with the first Bible verse that showed up on my phone this morning.  (I have verses sent via text so I'm reminded all day long!)

The LORD will fight for you; you need only to be still.” Exodus 14:14

What a powerful verse!  The greatest risk for me is to first trust.  Then let go.  

Taking a look back

One year ago today our world changed in a way I hadn't anticipated or expected.  My husband, myself and our 2 daughters had just come back from a trip to Texas where we had shared our ministry with a lovely church to find Samuel barely able to walk.  Just a few days before he had been complaining of back pain so I instructed him to alternate ice and heat and take ibuprofen.  His condition persisted and on May 5th I took him to the first of many Dr. appointments.  The first visit was with a physician's assistant who tested Sam for a number of causes for his pain but found nothing.  He determined it was back strain since Sam had helped a friend move a trailer only a few days before.  We went home and treated his condition as such but he grew worse each day.  Finally on Mother's Day he had developed a fever that we were unable to control.  I thought it might be a virus; what else could it be?  He was only 15 years old and I couldn't imagine a healthy young man having anything terribly serious.  Monday came and went with no improvement so Sam was taken in to see another physician's assistant who upon seeing Samuel, turned his care over to the pediatrician.  Sam's fingernails and toenails were blue and we had no idea why.  More tests were ordered, including x-rays, and we were sent home while our Dr. made phone calls to specialists to determine what might be the cause of Sam's symptoms.  Wednesday, May 12, became a blur.  We went back to the Dr. to hear about the test results but nothing had come in yet.  Being sent home again was frustrating and getting tiresome since Sam could barely walk at this point and we had to assist him in getting up and down stairs.  I received a call from our Dr. that afternoon telling me to get Sam up to the Meritcare Children's Hospital in Fargo, ND immediately for an MRI.  It didn't sink in that this was serious.  I think God insulated my brain because I'm not sure how I would have handled things if I really 'knew' what was going on.  He also instructed me to pack an overnight bag.  At that time they suspected a spinal injury, perhaps a slipped disk, in Samuel's back.  We packed for one night.  

Just to keep this post brief I'll give you the condensed version of the next 10 days.  After an MRI, CT scan, ultrasound and more blood work it was discovered that Sam had clots in his veins from his knees up into his abdomen.  At first they thought he had a clot in his Inferior Vena Cava, the vein that takes blood back to the heart from your legs, but it turns out it's chronically blocked.  Over the course of the next several days Sam went into surgery every day to have the clots broken up or removed by an Interventional Radiologist or vein Dr.  He was in ICU because of the powerful blood thinners and clot busters he was receiving through IVs.  On day 10 we were released but had no idea why his body had done what it had done.  Within time we learned he had Antiphospholipid Antibody Syndrome; an autoimmune disorder that attacks the blood's clotting mechanism.  He also tested positive for Hyperhomocysteinemia, a genetic  mutation that causes the interior of the veins to be rough like sandpaper.  As of this date two of my other three children have tested positive for APS as well as my dad.  I'll be tested next.  

Today I feel many emotions.  I feel sad because of how it changed Sam's life but I'm also very grateful that we had such amazing Dr.s and so many friends supporting us and praying for us.  It was also a difficult time because people that I thought were my friends and would be there for me in a crisis weren't.  At times I felt very isolated and alone but made myself remember that God was always with me and I didn't need hundreds of people surrounding me all of the time.  I knew I couldn't see 'behind the scenes' so had no idea who was praying for Sam.  I knew people were though.  It was hard bringing him home too.  I worried that I would do something wrong, something that would hurt him or even cost him his life.  I was afraid.  

This event not only changed our lives because of the news we all learned concerning our medical history and educating ourselves about APS but it also changed us as a family.  We all learned how precious and fragile life is and even if we have our moments when we're angry at one another like any normal family, we know that we shouldn't leave or go to bed with a harsh word on our lips.  For me, I think I shut every emotion off that I could while Sam was in the hospital and then I remained on autopilot for the summer since we were hosting teams and doing summer camp for the first time.  Reality has trickled in on me slowly over time since it didn't hit me all at once.  I struggled through a difficult winter with this being one issue that I had to confront.  I allowed myself to grieve even if it seemed that others wanted me to be grateful or get over it.  I was always grateful but there are other feelings to feel too when your child has just fought a life threatening battle and has been diagnosed with a chronic illness.  Life is not sunshine and lollipops all the time.  What really matters is who one looks to when life gets hard.  

God has continuously brought me to the end of myself showing me that He is the only one I can depend on and the only one I need.  I can be so dependent on people that I stray from leaning on God.  Desiring relationships with others is healthy but using them to meet our needs rather than trusting God to meet our needs is not.  I still long for fellowship, wishing that I could stand in the middle of a sea of believers singing praise and worship songs but God has me in a place that's different than my desires.  And I am learning to be content in that place.  Sam's journey has made me confront this part of myself.  The worrier in me gets anxious that I might be alone, that I don't have friends or enough friends and that when difficult times come upon me I won't have anyone there to stand with me.  But God's word says differently:

You are my hiding place; you will protect me from trouble and surround me with songs of deliverance. (Psalm 32:7-8)

The Lord is a refuge for the oppressed, a stronghold in times of trouble. (Psalm 9:9-10)

When the righteous cry for help, the Lord hears, and rescues them from all their troubles. (Psalm 34:17)

My soul finds rest in God alone; my salvation comes from him. He alone is my rock and my salvation; he is my fortress, I will never be shaken. (Psalm 62:1-2)

These are only a few of the many verses that assure us of His presence and deliverance.  What do I really believe about the Lord?  I believe He'll keep His hand on my son all the days of his life and only the Lord knows how many days he has.  I believe that although my heart may fear, God will give me comfort and remind me of His steadfast love.  And I believe that God loves my son more than I ever possibly could and will guide his every step so that Sam's life will bring God glory.  

One of my favorite verses for when I get anxious over Samuel's health:

In repentance and rest is your salvation, in quietness and trust is your strength. (Isaiah 30:15)
  
I particularly like the second half of that verse.  It reminds me to be quiet, not just outwardly but inwardly and trust Him because that is when I am strongest.  I find my strength only in Him.  I have none on my own.  And He has brought us through many deep waters and treacherous storms!  Today I'm resting quietly, trusting in the creator of my son and the God who loves him enough to send His son to die for him.  Samuel was named after the Samuel of the Bible because just as Hannah asked God for a son, so had I.  Sam means "God heard" or "God listened".  I'm blessed because God not only heard me once and gave me a baby boy, God heard me twice and preserved his life one year ago.  I pray in Jesus' name that Samuel will do great things for the Lord!  Amen!  


If you are interested in Samuel's story you can read our journal on The Caring Bridge from last year.  I'll probably update it as the one year anniversary of his hospitalization comes closer and after he sees his Dr. for his one year visit.  It's found here:

http://www.caringbridge.org/visit/samuellykins


   

What Is Your Prison?

Consider this verse:

Around midnight Paul and Silas were praying and singing hymns to God, and the other prisoners were listening.  Acts 16:25

Notice first the time.  It was midnight.  Do you suppose Paul and Silas were tired?  I would be.  When I was 20 I could stay up all night.  Around 30 I could manage 2-3 AM.  I'm now in my 40s and 10 PM is a stretch!  But considering where they were and their situation, I'm betting they were a little tired.  

Speaking of where they were, did you notice where that was?  It says, "the other prisoners were listening."  Apparently they were in prison.  And you and I both know that dungeon is probably a better word for it.  Nowadays prisons are pretty decent with nice food and controlled environments because of concerns for human rights.  I would imagine the prison that Paul and Silas were in was dark, musty, stinky, cold and miserable!  Human rights were not a consideration in those days!


So it's midnight and they're in prison.  The most important thing to notice now is what they were doing and to whom.  They were praying and singing hymns to God!  So, I've made it perfectly clear that I am a worrier.  Guess what I'd be doing in that prison!  Crying and whining!  LOL!  I'd actually follow a progression of emotions and their manifestations.  I'd be scared so I'd cry.  I'd be uncomfortable so I may complain.  I'd wonder why God was doing this to me, why was He allowing this to happen, where is He?  Then I'd cry again!  But here in this verse we don't see if Paul and Silas whined or cried or complained.  Because if they did, it's not important.  What is important is that they prayed and they sang hymns to God!  

But there's one more important point I want you to see.  Did you notice who was listening?  The prisoners that were there with them.  Now imagine this scene from the perspective of a worrier like me.  Maybe it went like this:


Silas:  It's cold.  I can't feel my toes.  Wish I had some socks.
Paul: Yeah, my fingers are numb.  I asked God if He'd give us some heat but He reminded me that His grace is sufficient.
Silas:  Yeah.  Well, I'm hungry and it's mighty hard to be happy with grace when your stomach is growling!
Paul:  I hear ya.  And I tell ya, I kinda have to go to the bathroom but have you seen the toilet?
Silas:  I did.  I've been holding it since then.  Do you think God has abandoned us?
Paul:   Well, to be honest, I felt that way when we first got thrown in here but then I realized that He said He would never leave us or forsake us.  He keeps His word, we have seen that time and time again.  
Silas:  You're right.  I was hungry once before and didn't know what I was going to eat but He provided a meal for me.  
Paul:  And remember when there was no money for the taxes?!  He really provided then!  
Silas:  He did!  It isn't great being here but I can submit to whatever He asks of me because I know He'll bring us through.
Paul:  He will.  And even in death, we'll be with Him.  Let's pray together.  We don't know what the outcome of this will be but we do know that He has been faithful even in our darkest moments!  
Silas:  Yeah, let's pray!  And sing a few songs to pass the time!  
Paul:  (bows head and begins to pray)
Fellow prisoners:  (all listen in and marvel at the faith of Paul and Silas.)


Now don't think I'm being a heretic or sacrilegious for making up my own little scenario there!  Paul and Silas were ordinary men who did extraordinary things because of the God they served and the Lord they had faith in.  The Holy Spirit enabled them to overcome their circumstances and give praise to God!  I don't always work through my sorrows quite so quickly but sometimes I think it's because so many pile on top of me that I can't process them all.  But there's always hope so I don't live in despair!  Eventually in the end I come out praying and singing praises to God!  I think that's the point of the verse that we don't want to miss; that Paul and Silas were singing praises and praying in the darkest of places!  And others were listening!  

I have learned lately that it's best not to pretend that we as Christians never struggle, never get sick, never have financial difficulties because we do.  We were never promised an easy life.  We were promised that He'd be with us through everything, that He'd give us peace and that He would carry our burdens if we gave them to Him.  If people see you always happy, chin up, no cares in the world because you are denying that you have any cares don't they risk getting the wrong impression of the Christian walk?  I think we should allow people to see our struggles but at the same time allow them to see the peace that we have as we walk through them.  Everyone has problems, no one escapes them but not everyone has the assurance of peace that comes with knowing Christ.  We don't need to be showing the world how strong we are!  We should be showing the world our weaknesses and in doing so we allow God to show His strengths!  I only get through each and every trial by allowing my God to be my strength!  I have tried to do things in my own strength before and it brought me nothing but trouble! 

Let's finish the story in Acts 16:26-30:

Suddenly there was such a violent earthquake that the foundations of the prison were shaken. At once all the prison doors flew open, and everyone’s chains came loose.  The jailer woke up, and when he saw the prison doors open, he drew his sword and was about to kill himself because he thought the prisoners had escaped.  But Paul shouted, “Don’t harm yourself! We are all here!”  The jailer called for lights, rushed in and fell trembling before Paul and Silas.  He then brought them out and asked, “Sirs, what must I do to be saved?”

  
God delivered Paul and Silas from the prison, the prisoners stayed in spite of their chains coming loose and the jailer cried out to be saved!  Extraordinary!  He can do the same for you!  Worry is a prison that God wants to set us free from!  What ground shaking event needs to occur for us to believe!?  I've had a few earthquakes in my own life but I have put the chains back on my own feet and refused to leave the prison!  However I know God can help me in my unbelief, He will not give up on me.  And He hasn't give up on you!  


What is your prison?  Let's sing and pray together!  

 What a friend we have in Jesus

All our sins and griefs to bear!

What a privilege to carry

Everything to God in prayer!

Oh, what peace we often forfeit,

Oh, what needless pain we bear,

All because we do not carry

Everything to God in prayer!

(What A Friend We Have In Jesus; Joseph M. Scriven)

 

Camp By The Sea

Often I think about the many miracles that the Israelites witnessed God perform before their very eyes and how they seemed to forget every one of them when faced with a new trial.  I marvel at how forgetful we are as people.  Just recently I was thinking about how God delivered the newly freed slaves from Pharaoh's army at the Red Sea.  They had just seen the 10 plagues that God had sent on the land in order for them to be set free and they were given the deliverer that they had prayed to God to send them during the time of their captivity yet their faith failed them when they were between the army of Pharaoh and his chariots and the Red Sea. The story begins in Exodus 14:

Then the LORD said to Moses, “Tell the Israelites to turn back and encamp near Pi Hahiroth, between Migdol and the sea. They are to encamp by the sea, directly opposite Baal Zephon.  Pharaoh will think, ‘The Israelites are wandering around the land in confusion, hemmed in by the desert.’  And I will harden Pharaoh’s heart, and he will pursue them. But I will gain glory for myself through Pharaoh and all his army, and the Egyptians will know that I am the LORD.” So the Israelites did this. 

God instructed Moses and the children of Israel to encamp by the sea.  He knew Pharaoh would pursue Israel.  Actually he CAUSED Pharaoh to pursue them!  I wonder if the Israelites complained among themselves, "what's He doing?"  Did they have faith?  Did they realize what was about to happen?  I'm guessing that this conversation took place only between Moses and God.  The people probably had no idea what was about to occur!  If they had, do you think they would have followed Moses?  They may have realized that they were about to be slaughtered by the Egyptian army because they would have no where to go!  The story continues:

As Pharaoh approached, the Israelites looked up, and there were the Egyptians, marching after them. They were terrified and cried out to the LORD. They said to Moses, “Was it because there were no graves in Egypt that you brought us to the desert to die? What have you done to us by bringing us out of Egypt? Didn’t we say to you in Egypt, ‘Leave us alone; let us serve the Egyptians’? It would have been better for us to serve the Egyptians than to die in the desert!” 

Have you ever felt this way?  Let me tell you, I have!  Many times in fact!  "Have you brought us to South Dakota only so we'll freeze to death?"  You can substitute 'freeze to death' with 'starve to death' or 'die of loneliness' or 'be hated by everyone...'  You get the point!  I've often questioned why we're here doing what we're doing when it seems we're camped at sea.  Which way do we go now, Lord?  We can't go back, the enemy is on our heels!  We can't go forward, the sea of the unknown will swallow us up!  At this very moment we stand at a great sea in front of us!  I cannot for the life of me see any way out and I'm asking God, "Did you bring us this far only to have us fail!?"  It's how I honestly feel.  But I know it isn't true.  Back to the Red Sea and Israel:

Moses answered the people, “Do not be afraid. Stand firm and you will see the deliverance the LORD will bring you today. The Egyptians you see today you will never see again. The LORD will fight for you; you need only to be still.” 

What beautiful instructions!  One, do not be afraid!  Two, stand firm!  Three, the Lord will fight for you!  Four, BE STILL!  Teena, be still!  Why is that so hard to do?  We see next that God opens up the sea which allows the children of Israel to walk through the sea on dry ground!  He again hardens Pharaoh's heart so that the army pursues them but God shuts the sea up around them and the army drowns.  The Israelites go free!  So it ends:

But the Israelites went through the sea on dry ground, with a wall of water on their right and on their left. That day the LORD saved Israel from the hands of the Egyptians, and Israel saw the Egyptians lying dead on the shore. And when the Israelites saw the mighty hand of the LORD displayed against the Egyptians, the people feared the LORD and put their trust in him and in Moses his servant. 

Why do we go through trials?  Why does God allow them?  Our enemy seeks to destroy us but God is our deliverer and He wants us to be still while He saves us from the enemy so that He alone can receive the glory.  Worry is the army approaching my camp by the sea.  The sea is the unknown, the not knowing how God will provide or protect or answer my prayers.  I can't stop the circumstances around me any more than the Israelites could fight the army of well over 600 hundred chariots and I can't make my way across the unknown any easier than the people of God could swim across the Red Sea.  I have to put aside my fear, stand firm, know that the Lord will fight for me and then be still.  

The question then is this; do we make our camp by the sea and wait for destruction?  Or do we put up our tents and wait calmly while the Lord makes a way that we hadn't seen before?  I used to sing a song years ago at a little church in Plainfield, IN that I still find myself humming today:

God will make a way

Where there seems to be no way

He works in ways we cannot see

He will make a way for me

He will be my guide

Hold me closely to His side

With love and strength

For each new day

He will make a way

He will make a way

By a roadway in the wilderness

He'll lead me

And rivers in the desert will I see

Heaven and earth will fade

But His Word will still remain

He will do something new today

Lyrics by Don Moen

Drowning Alone

I had a dream the other night.  I was in the ocean, alone, trying to swim.  I don't know how I got there but there I was by myself and afraid.  I tried to dive into the water but the water suddenly changed.  It became thick almost like jello!  I found myself in a bubble of air.  I couldn't get up to the surface any longer, I was just stuck there in that bubble struggling to break free so I could reach the surface to breath the fresh air.  I knew the air in that bubble wasn't going to last forever, I would eventually breath it all up.  Suddenly something broke through that bubble and pulled me out.  I think it was a hand, my memory fails me now but it left me feeling like I wasn't going to drown alone.  

Today for some reason that's how I feel.  Like I'm drowning.  And not just drowning but drowning alone with no one attempting to rescue me.  It's not that no one would attempt to rescue me if they saw me drowning.  They just don't know where I'm at or that I'm in this present state.  This is the danger of being a worrier.  You seem to only complain but it's not, it's wishing for help.  Wishing for someone to reach in and pull you up.  

I've been in this place before.  Years ago, at least 10 years ago, I was hit with a deep depression.  I was burnt out from never saying no to anything, trying to do it all and working hard to be a good Christian.  I never managed to feel good enough though.  Finally my body just quit.  I was emotionally, physically and spiritually broken.  My thyroid was malfunctioning so severely that my brain was unable to operate properly.  I became suicidal in my thoughts and angry.  I was mostly angry at God because He didn't seem to want to pull me out of my despair.  No one had any idea of how sick I was because I managed to keep it together on the surface.  The water looked great but under it I was drowning in a bubble all alone.  

Here's the truth though; I never was alone.  Read Psalm 139:7-12:

Where can I go from your Spirit? 

Where can I flee from your presence?
 If I go up to the heavens, you are there;
 if I make my bed in the depths, you are there.
 If I rise on the wings of the dawn,
 if I settle on the far side of the sea,
even there your hand will guide me, 

your right hand will hold me fast.
If I say, “Surely the darkness will hide me
 and the light become night around me,”
even the darkness will not be dark to you;
  the night will shine like the day,
  for darkness is as light to you. 

It is vital to know the truth as a worrier!  It's important for all Christians to know the truth but if you are one who is easily frustrated or troubles shake you when they come you must know God's truth or you are in danger of succumbing to despair unnecessarily!  In my depression there were a few things that saved me from falling too deep into the pit I felt I was in.  One, I knew if I told at least one person my chances of surviving increased greatly so I confided in a close friend that was a compassionate person (Thanks, Donna, if you ever read this!) and my husband.  Second, I fought for my children because I did not want them to believe that this was the easy way out.  I did not want to leave that legacy with them.  Third, I sought help.  I went to Grace Life International in Charlotte, NC where I was taken through discipleship and learned who I was in Christ!  I learned the truth and learned also to deal with feelings.  I wasn't 'cured' of my worry necessarily or this blog wouldn't exist but I have tools to get me through when I find myself in a valley.  I also sought medical attention since my thyroid was heavily affected by my emotional and spiritual state.  Educate yourself first about depression if you're prone to it or someone you love has or is in a depression.  Learn God's truth too.  Please don't tell people to 'snap out of it' or 'pull themselves up' because that's not helpful.  I didn't like feeling the way I felt but I was in a deep, deep hole without stairs, without a ladder, without a rope!  God had to reach down and pull me up.  That was my only way out and no amount of trying to cheer me on or force me to move was going to help.  In fact many times that type of advice can be harmful because it only makes one feel that much more guilty for feeling those feelings.  

If you're a member of Facebook, today there is an event to raise awareness of suicide and depression.  You can find it here:  Free Love Day: Draw a Heart on Your Wrist, Change the World

Even when I feel as if I'm in that bubble, all alone and drowning, I know I'm not because I know the truth of God's word.  I know that Psalm 23 tells me, "Even though I walk through the darkest valley, I will fear no evil, for you are with me; your rod and your staff, they comfort me."   

Finally, I leave you with this verse:

“And we know that all things work together for good to them that love God, to them who are the called according to his purpose.” – Romans 8:28

All things work together for good!  Not some things, not a few things but all things!  Even our despair, our pain, our anguish and our grief work together for the good in our lives eventually.  If nothing else, when we walk out of those deep places with our Shepherd by our side declaring His greatness and faithfulness, He receives the glory!  Jesus promised us, "And surely I am with you always, to the very end of the age."  (Matthew 28:20b)

If you suspect someone is suffering from depression or is having suicidal thoughts please seek help or medical attention for them.  For more information on Grace Life International please visit http://www.glionline.org/  

 

Stricken, Smitten and Afllicted

On this day, Good Friday, I pray that all of us worriers can lay down our troubles for at least this day.  Surely we can say to our Lord at least for today "thy will be done".  Our Lord did.  

He went on a little farther and bowed with his face to the ground, praying, "My Father! If it is possible, let this cup of suffering be taken away from me. Yet I want your will to be done, not mine."  Matthew 26:39

Jesus struggled because He knew what fate awaited Him yet He willingly gave up His life so that we may have life eternal with Him in paradise.  On days like today I find it easier to put aside my momentary troubles and reflect on what great things await me because of what He did for me out of such intense love.  

Have a peaceful Good Friday and a wonderful Resurrection Day!  

(Music by Fernando Ortega)

The Emperor Moth

                                   image by Irvine Cushing

Have you ever heard the story of the Emperor Moth?  I'm sure you have but because it's one of my all time favorite stories I'm going to share it here and hope that you enjoy it even if you have already heard it!  Here's in one version:

A man found the cocoon of an emperor moth. He took it home so that he could watch the moth come out of the cocoon. On the day a small opening appeared, he sat and watched the moth for several hours as the moth struggled to force its body through that little hole. Then it seemed to stop making any progress. It appeared as if it had gotten as far as it could and it could go no farther. It just seemed to be stuck. 

The man, in his kindness, decided to help the moth, so he took a pair of scissors and snipped off the remaining bit of the cocoon. The moth then emerged easily. But it had a swollen body and small, shriveled wings. The man continued to watch the moth because he expected that, at any moment, the wings would enlarge and expand to be able to support the body, which would contract in time. 

Neither happened! In fact, the little moth spent the rest of its life crawling around with a swollen body and shriveled wings. It never was able to fly. What the man in his kindness and haste did not understand was the restricting cocoon and the struggle required for the moth to get through the tiny opening were God's way of forcing fluid from the body of the moth into its wings so that it would be ready for flight once it achieved its freedom from the cocoon. Freedom and flight would only come after the struggle. By depriving the moth of a struggle, he deprived the moth of health.

While the story is a bit tragic I love the message behind it.  Struggle is necessary.  We all struggle, we all need to in order to grow wings and soar!  The Lord never meant for our life to be easy!  Romans 5:1-5 tells us why we struggle.  Read here:

Therefore, since we have been justified through faith, we have peace with God through our Lord Jesus Christ,  through whom we have gained access by faith into this grace in which we now stand. And we boast in the hope of the glory of God.  Not only so, but we also glory in our sufferings, because we know that suffering produces perseverance;  perseverance, character; and character, hope.  And hope does not put us to shame, because God’s love has been poured out into our hearts through the Holy Spirit, who has been given to us. (emphasis mine)

We glory in our sufferings!  So I ask you to consider this; does this mean we never complain?  Do we never feel despair or disappointment?  Can we never cry on the shoulders of others?  Actually in Galatians 6:2 we are instructed  to "bear one another's burdens, and so fulfill the law of Christ."  Do you know what the law of Christ is?  LOVE!  He said to "love the Lord your God with all your heart, all your soul, all your mind, and all your strength. and ‘Love your neighbor as yourself.’ No other commandment is greater than these.”  (Mark 12:30-31)  I believe there is a balance to be found between allowing your friend to suffer in order to grow stronger in their faith and allowing them to wallow in self pity.  Perhaps if you cannot discern between the two it's a good time to pray?  How can you know what works God is doing in the heart of someone else?  And sometimes let me suggest that you simply listen.  People aren't always looking for you to give them answers to their problems.  Often times they just want a sympathetic ear or a shoulder to cry on.  If you have not been blessed with mercy and compassion perhaps you should pray for yourself as well.  In my own struggles I have gained mercy.  I have found compassion.  If I expect it for myself, I should extend it to others.  

But let me say also that it could be taken that the moth was 'self sufficient' and needed no help in working through the struggle to escape its cocoon.  I don't think self sufficiency is the point of the story.  As I have already pointed out we are to bear one another's burdens.  Romans 15:1 tells us, "we who are strong must be considerate of those who are sensitive about things like this. We must not just please ourselves." and in Philippians 2:4, "Don't look out only for your own interests, but take an interest in others, too."  If you are struggling don't take advantage of your friends who are willing to listen to you, consider them and how loading all your cares upon them might be a burden to them.  Ultimately we are to cast our cares upon Jesus, not our friends and family!  And if you have a friend who struggles, be patient and kind asking the Lord to help you bear with them in love.  We don't have to enable people in their sin or struggles but we do need to love one another.

One last thing that I think is significant about this story is the name of the moth; the Emperor Moth.  The king of the moths!  How lowly is a moth!  Seriously, do people go looking for moths?  The butterfly gets a lot more attention than a moth does!  We normally try to repel moths and if that doesn't work we put up bug zappers to rid ourselves of them and other flying pests.  But what a beautiful creature this moth is!  He's majestic which is why he gets the name Emperor!  And we too are majestic!  We are heirs along with Christ because of what He has done for us on the cross!  To give you hope read this from James 2:5:

Listen, my dear brothers and sisters: Has not God chosen those who are poor in the eyes of the world to be rich in faith and to inherit the kingdom he promised those who love him?  

Sometimes I feel that others consider me poor.  I don't mean financially but I mean in faith and spirit.  But this verse says that we are chosen in spite of how we appear to the world.   He has chosen to make us rich in faith!  While I struggle I find that my faith grows stronger.  I look to the Lord for answers.  I look to Him for comfort.  I look to Him for peace.  He doesn't 'open the cocoon' to prevent my struggle but He tells me that He's there with me.  He is the most sympathetic ear you will ever find and the most compassionate listener you will ever encounter.  

I leave you with a few quotes.  I love quotes!  They often express what I'm already thinking.  I pray that you are blessed and find comfort in knowing that no struggle is without reward.  

The struggle alone pleases us, not the victory.  ~ Blaise Pascal

Once a struggle is grasped, miracles are possible.  ~ Mao Tse-Tung

Although the world is full of suffering, it is full also of the overcoming of it. ~ Helen Keller

The Heart is a Closed Vessel

You know those cool rocks that you have to break open to see the contents inside?  A geode is what they're called.  If you just hold one in your hand that's never been opened, it might not be a big thrill.  It's just a round rock.  When you bust it open though the contents are there ready for a feast for your eyes!  The bigger they are the more beautiful they are when they're broken into pieces!  

I think our heart are like geodes.  The contents are hidden from view from human eyes.  God of course sees what's inside every heart.  It's not until He breaks it or cracks it open that the contents can be seen.  I've experienced this myself recently.  

So you can understand where I'm coming from I'll share a little bit of my current struggle.  We're missionaries.  Now I didn't want to reveal this from the start because honestly I don't want that label on me.  All of the sudden when the words Pastor, Pastor's wife, Missionary or words like these are spoken out loud the whole world changes.  Expectations come flying at you like darts and sometimes even spears!  You are to be better than everyone else.  You are not to struggle and you are not to worry.  Keep it all to yourself.  Your faith is HUGE.  Nothing wrong ever happens to a missionary and when it does we are super human and can overcome it like Superman!  Wrong.  My God is as big as your God but I'm not any stronger than any other person walking in the Christian faith.  I just obeyed a call and surrendered.  That makes me obedient, not special.  OK, so that's out of the way and now you know.  Please put your expectations away and let me be a person.  This is another source of my worry, that I can't be real.  God made me to be real though and I just can't seem to help myself!  So the beginning of this blog....  

Now being in the particular career field that my husband and I are in requires faith.  Every day life requires faith honestly!  Does it really matter where you work or live?  It's all faith.  We just don't get a weekly or bi-weekly pay check.  We get a check when there's enough money in the PO Box.  The PO Box and I have a love/hate relationship!  My faith soars when that box is full and is weak when the box is empty.  It ebbs and flows.  Worrier.  I don't feel good about this part of me.  I've tried to fight it, I've tried to overcome it, I've tried to Bible thump it to death!  I've tried to weed whack it!  (See the previous post!)  It never worked and it brought me to this blog.  I have to sort it out, process it, say it out loud and I even have to despair, lament and whine about it!  I HAVE TO FEEL IT!  Maybe I'm a baby.  You know how babies have to mouth everything in their sight?  That's me with every issue that confronts me!  I have to 'mouth' it like a baby!!  Isn't that a funny picture in your head!?  

So here we are today with me worrying about how we're going to get by this month.  I forgot about all the other times God got us by.  This time was no different.  Worry, worry, worry.  But then it hit me.  Well, a few things hit me.  Am I compassionate toward others when they struggle with something for the umpteenth time?  Am I patient with their fears and worries?  I sure do expect everyone to put up with mine!  It also occurred to me that more pours out of me when my heart is breaking.  More love, more compassion, more of HIM!  When He breaks my heart things come gushing out that are otherwise hidden from the average person.  He is allowing others to see in me what He sees.  It might be ugly but it's human so maybe seeing that ugly in me helps someone else not feel so bad about themselves.  But then again, nothing is ugly about a geode so maybe it isn't ugly.  Maybe the struggle is a beautiful thing because it allows God to move.  Trials allow God to do the most wonderful things in our lives so that He can get the glory!  If I never struggled is it possible that people would look at me and think, "what a strong person she is?"  But if you see me struggle while still holding tight to my faith maybe instead you'll say to yourself, "I see the Lord at work in her."  Which do you think I'd rather you see?  My Lord.  He's the only good in me.  

I am a geode and inside me is my Lord and all of His love.  When He breaks my heart, when He cracks it wide open all the world can see His beauty shining through!  The words I write, the things I now feel are a result of the cracks in my heart.  Our hearts are closed vessels until our Lord breaks them allowing all His beauty to gush forward;  He only asks that we be willing to be broken.  And a verse to give you comfort in case you are afraid of a broken heart:

The LORD is close to the brokenhearted and saves those who are crushed in spirit.  Psalm 34:18

God is not weed whacker!

One of the very cool things about my relationship with God is how He speaks to me.  Not that He doesn't speak to everyone but it seems that He picks ways of communicating that fits with our brain's way of thinking or learning best.  A book person learns from reading and I can imagine they hear God best while reading God's word, the Bible.  Perhaps a music person is touched most during a beautiful symphony or even during worship.  Me, I always thought I was a book person, I love to read but it seems that God teaches me through nature and analogy.  I suppose that makes sense doesn't it since Jesus taught in parables!  I feel like God is often showing me something through a parable!  Take my garden for instance...

I am not a gardener.  Let's clear that up first and foremost.  My dad has 10 green thumbs.  Well, not really but anything he attempts to grow, grows.  I don't know that he has ever managed to kill anything and if it's close to death he miraculously brings it back to life!  Me, not so much.  I kill things.  I don't do it on purpose.  I just have no clue what to do with green things.  So, we came up with this bright idea that I needed a garden.  Well, actually it was WE needed a garden and I should be the one to tend it.  Isn't that about how it always goes!?  So, 3 summers ago my lovely friend Johnnie helped me plant a garden because she's another person with 10 green thumbs.  The garden actually grew and it actually had things in it like tomatoes, peppers, squash, zuccini, pumpkins and a few other goodies here and there.  I never weeded it.  I can't say I remember weeding it even once.  Maybe my kids did.  But in spite of never being weeded it grew things!  I was so amazed!  And what lesson did God teach me from this?  That as a Christian, even if I NEVER weed my spiritual garden I cannot help but grow fruit!  He is the vine, we are the branches!  As long as we remain in Him we will bear much fruit!  It doesn't say as long as we keep our garden weeded we'll bear much fruit!  Not that we should purposefully sin either, I'm not talking rebellion!  But I mean those things in our flesh that we just can't seem to get out of our system.  In spite of our flesh, in spite of our old man who has been put to death, we carry around weeds in our 'garden' and God will cause us to grow fruit in spite of it!  Sometimes we just can't see the fruit because those darn weeds are so thick!

On to year two... Last summer we planted a 2nd garden again with the help of my friend, Johnnie!  The garden was expanded and new things added such as corn!  Yummy!  Now when  corn is planted the seeds are supposed to remain shallow in the soil but we had a little helper (Johnnie's cute as a bug grandson) who pushed the seeds down deeper for us!  So we wondered if that corn would even pop up!  More on this in a second.  This time I weeded the garden.  I took time out of my 'busy' schedule and sat in the dirt popping weeds out of the ground.  And my garden produced tomatoes, peppers, squash, zuccini; well, you get it!  I spent intimate time with my garden, had a relationship with my garden and out of it came an abundance of goodies plus I didn't have to dig through weeds to find those goodies!  They were evident for all to see!!  And that corn, it grew and it produced two to three times more than we expected!  How good is God!?  We can never write anything or anyone for that matter off!  Nothing is too deep in our soul that God cannot reach and tend to.  What seems impossible to man is possible with God!  So I learned that if I spent time with God and plucked those weeds out of my life my fruit would be healthier, more plentiful and more evident!  All this I learned from 2 gardens and I'm not even a gardener! 

This year we'll be planting our 3rd garden and as I contemplate what will be planted there I am also already learning a lesson from it.  As I have already divulged in my first post, I am a worrier.  I've never worried over my garden though.  I've always just let it be a garden, what it was meant to be.  I didn't worry when I didn't weed it and I didn't worry when I did!!  I just trusted that it would do what it was supposed to do naturally.  Why do we worry that we need to take after the 'weeds' in someone else's life?  So here's the thing... I'd never take a weed whacker into my garden.  Why?  Two reasons; one, a weed whacker does not differentiate between a weed and a plant.  Two, it doesn't take care of the roots.  It only whacks weeds off at the surface but it can't reach down into the soil and pull up the whole thing.  There are people who are the weed whackers of the Christian faith.  They feel the need to just go into other people's gardens and start whacking at those weeds or they tell people that they should be taking weed whackers to their gardens.  Fortunately for me I have had people in my life that have taught me that weed whackers have no place in a physical garden so I've never attempted it and know better!  But young, immature and inexperienced Christians may not know that a weed whacker in their spiritual life is not a good idea.  See, God is not a weed whacker. 

God sits with us.  He cultivates us.  He shares time with us.  And if we are willing and we allow a relationship with Him to form He plucks weeds carefully pulling them out at the root.  Some are tougher than others and take more time but He's God, He has all the time in the world!!  He isn't impatient with us.  He doesn't expect us to 'weed' our entire life in the first 10 minutes of being a Christian.  He is the gentle gardener.  Aren't you glad?  As a worrier, I feel that I am often misunderstood.  My worry just looks like complaining but it isn't.  It's fear.  It's mistrust.  It's not knowing my personal gardener well enough.  I've had people come at me with weed whackers wanting to whack the worry right out of me!  I know their intentions were good but I will tell you that they lacked relationship with me and because of that they could never get to the root.  And they can't see the 'fruit' for the weeds so risk tearing at fruit instead.  God is not that way with us.  He is calling me to a greater relationship with Him.  He wants to sit with me in the cool of the evening popping weeds, pulling them out at the root so that my fruit can be healthy and be seen.  He loves me that much. 

So, are you a weed whacker?  Don't despair if you are.  I was too.  But now I see that people want and need relationship first before they're going to allow someone into their 'garden'.  Weeding is an intimate process and requires time, patience and relationship.  Weeding by hand is all about relationship while weed whacking is merely about immediate results.  Do you merely want results?  Or do you desire a relationship?

I want a relationship with my God.  And He wants one with me.  Isn't He great?

The Birds of Heaven...

First let me say that this is my first EVER attempt at a blog.  I'm not a fancy writer or anything.  I do like to put my thoughts on paper or at least in writing.  That fact gets me into trouble at times on Facebook!  I can be a little too transparent and my knack for worrying can be bothersome to some.  I don't mean to be annoying but I guess there are those that are just not tolerant of whining and complaining!  That's OK.  I completely understand!

So allow me to explain why I'm venturing into the world of blogging.  First the thought occurred to me that I could post whatever I wanted to say on a blog because it was mine.  I felt that if someone didn't like what I said on my blog, well they don't have to read it!  That sort of freedom makes me smile!  LOL!  Second, while there are those that dislike worry warts there are those that feel comfort in knowing that they are not alone.  I'm a worrier.  Yes, I should be a warrior but nope, I'm a worrier!  There are others like me and they feel alone at times, I'm afraid.  Why, you ask?  Because they're afraid of condemnation.  Christians shouldn't worry.  Well, my thoughts on that are if we weren't prone to worry to begin with there wouldn't be scriptures telling us not to!  Why put them there if we're not going to do it?  So, I'm blogging for those that need encouragement.  You're not alone.  There are worriers out there and I'm sure that we want to be free of our worry.  If the happy Christians would give us some time, I imagine we'd grow out of it!  Right?  

I'll finish this first post by sharing a verse.  Perhaps I'll share a few verses!  Luke 12:7 says, 

"Are not five sparrows sold for two pennies? Yet not one of them is forgotten by God.  Indeed, the very hairs of your head are all numbered. Don’t be afraid; you are worth more than many sparrows."  

How beautiful is that verse!?  How little we think of the sparrows yet Jesus is telling us that we are worth more than many sparrows and the very hairs on our head are numbered!  Then again in Luke 12, verse 24:

"Consider the ravens: They do not sow or reap, they have no storeroom or barn; yet God feeds them. And how much more valuable you are than birds!"

The birds don't store up any types of treasures.  They don't put away materials for next year's nest!  They don't hoard food, worrying that there won't be any tomorrow!  They simply trust their Creator!  And again, He says we are far more valuable than the birds!  And the verse for which this blog is named, Matthew 6:26:

"Behold the birds of the heaven, that they sow not, neither do they reap, nor gather into barns; and your heavenly Father feedeth them. Are not ye of much more value than they?"

Why do we worry?  That's what we're going to figure out!  That's the journey I'm on.  I know some will feel the need to perhaps condemn or criticize.  I beg you to reconsider.  Encouragement is lovely!  Criticism, not so much!  Prayer is best!  I love being prayed for!  Lastly a quote for you by Alfred A. Montapert:  

"Happy is the person who not only sings, but feels God's eye is on the sparrow, and knows He watches over me.  To be simply ensconced in God is true joy."

Thank you for reading!